wah

my brother has 4 days untill he leaves us, for 7 months, possibly more. not too sure if its hit me yet. but i know ill be a blubbering fool at the airport. i just want him to be safe. deployment is the scariest thing in the world for a military persons family. forget dying in a car crash, or getting shot, or drowning, or spiders (small list of my fears). the thought of my brother not coming back to us, or coming back injured scares the fuck out of me. i know im suppose to think posative and wish him the best. why does the mind do that? quickly jump to every sick, twisted, worst possibilty ever? its not okay, but i guess its normal. i hate to see people fighting with thier siblings. simply because i only get to see mine for 2 weeks at the most, in 6 month intervals. sometimes its only 4 days. and then thats it, off to another country, on a plane for hours. and knowing we wont see him for up to a year. in ways i envy him, getting to go to different countries and only being 21. but in ways i praise him cause he has more courage than i ever will to put his life out there so willingly. yeah, its what he signed up for. but i dont think that the people i associate with will ever understand the intesity of someone being in the military until it hits them close to home. i have 3 people who i know i can go to when im down about john leaving, my mom, my sister, and my dad. cause they are the only 3 who will know how it feels. fuck this needs to stop now before i start getting depressed. id rather delay the emotions untill saturday when i know, its time. and that i have no choice but to cry my eyes out. cry knowing my brother is going to afaganistan, and ill be here with freedom to do anything. and because of people like him, i have that privilege.